Language and Humor

Twitter Wordplay 2

These are some of my entries for Artwiculate’s and Loqwacious’s word of the day games on Twitter. You can mouse over the words with dashed underlining for definitions. (More: Twitter Wordplay 1)

The entries that are more serious poems are in with Twitter Haiku and Twitter Poems.

Watch the film "Doraphobia" for Meryl Streep's most non-touching performance.

If you have doraphobia, do you call your dog a "pet" or a "look at"?

Pandoraphobia: fear that touching animal fur will release all evils into the world and make happiness unobtaniable.

[doraphobia (=fear of touching animal fur)]

"Somebody wronged ya 'n' ya wanna sue? Get over here to Fallaciloquence Litigators. We can do distort."

At Fallaciloquence Cafe the special is gull lying strung along snow peas with dessert of fudge chiseled to easily dissemble.

The evil of fallaciloquence is black and white, for no one can lie around bamboozling like a panda.

Phil Fallaciloquence was dishonest but dumb; he studied grammar to help with his pretense.

[fallaciloquence (=speaking deceptively)]
Come to Demulcent Law Firm for your sue thing.[demulcent (=soothing)]

-Head Chef: We need to spread a false rumor about that new restaurant.

-Sous-chef: If you need a canard, à l'orange for it.

[canard (=false rumor; literally: a duck)]

I don't want to hear your canard about my friends. I'm not down with that.

It's just a canard that anything can be fixed with duct tape.

[canard (=false rumor; literally: a duck)]
At the Antithesis Bazaar you have to Hegel over the price.[antithesis (=counter-proposition to the thesis)]
Learning foreign syntax can be weighty; limit yourself to a gram a day.[syntax (=the part of grammar dealing with making phrases and clauses)]

When the navigator asked the pilot and copilot about their sudden contumacy when flying between Alaska and Russia, they said "We're over Bering."

On the submarine Contumacy, the executive officer constantly says "I'm first officer, second in command" as a form of in-sub ordination.

The diabetic man fired his nurse for her uncharacteristic contumacy after he said "I want more insulins."

The Contumacy 's Thanksgiving Day Parade wanted Will Smith, Will Ferrell, Will Forte, and Will Arnett but thought it'd be too... What's the word?

When William H. Macy and daughter were scammed, he told police "Con one Macy: shame on you. Contumacy: I refuse to answer any questions."

[contumacy (=willful insubordination)]
I am sore afeard that not even Chaucer could write a good tweet for "canker."[canker (=a sore)]
Among professional basketball players, no one will ever ululate quite like Yowl Ming.[ululate (=to howl)]

Promontory Pacino: Scarpface

Promontory serenade: ♪ ♫ This land is foreland. This land is highland. ... This land was splayed for you and me. ♪ ♫

He's an instinctual promontory: id jut.

[promontory (=a projecting landmass)]

-Aussie 1: That Quanbun is one ugly promontory.

-Aussie 2: Nar, mate, it's a butte.

[promontory (=a projecting landmass)]

Ed's parents never imposed sanctions on him for fibbing because they lacked sufficient lie sense.

What do you call relatives who sanction everything a child does? Grantparents.

When the trendy coffee shop was caught mixing in instant decaf, the mass boycott came as a Sanka shun.

I didn't say we should sanction every new program for cellphones; I said we needed a mandatory period of app probation.

No waiter is hired at Chez Sanction without receiving the imprimatur d'.

[sanction (=penalty, permission, to permit)]
Stringent story: Rigid Jones's Diary[stringent (=strict)]

The physicist's wife was very upset about going along to the entropy conference. She thought he'd said "It's Saint-Tropez."

After his bold dissertation on disorder in the genes of a common insect, he became known as The Daring Young Man on the Fly Entropies.

[entropy (=disorder in a system)]
Fortunately, it's only once a century we get the International Year of Feelings of Obligation, in Aught Two.[aught (=zero)]

Professor Descry was not popular in his department because for him peer review of research was done over someone's shoulder.

When she became first lady and was up on the balcony, many couldn't easily see her. So Eva Perón yelled: "Descry for me, Argentina!"

RIP My Dear Lord Descry. I have assisted you for the last time by digging up one more plot.

[descry (=espy, detect)]

Ian the corpulent Scotsman learned the word "homophone" after his kilt tailor saw him coming and yelled "Repleat!"

Said the corpulent pirate, "'Tis nay coincidence ye can rearrange the letters of 'rotund' and get 'donut,' arrr."

The corpulent sailor bowed to the the captain's stern warning to get less portly and was running all over the ship.

When the boss told Ed to come in over the weekend, Ed told him he saw it as a corpulent opportunity.

[corpulent (=fat, overweight)]
If you need to unwind, call a ravel agent.[ravel (=disentangle)]
Dinosaur despot: Tyrantosaurus rex[despot (=tyrant)]

There once was a despot named Callid

Whose accession was not so valid

His mother was queen

He poisoned her greens

And handed her a seizer salad

[despot (=tyrant)]
There can be no individual volition as long as one is half two.[volition (=power to choose)]

Most expedient Beatles song: "Hey Jude-icious"

To win a singing competition it's often expedient to hit a really high note, an opportunistic inflection.

[expedient (=practical)]

"This is my first time at Anaphora Anonymous. My name is It, and I'm context-dependent."

A Dutch sentence was once saved from a flood of anaphora when a young editor stuck his finger in the deixis.

[anaphora (=using referring words that only have meaning in context, such as pronouns)]

The architect's antagonist didn't attack her columns or windows. He was just an archenemy.

Never have your cat do your taxes. If you're audited by the IRS, a cat is a poor antagonist as they don't get opposable sums.

Why is basketball player Yao an angry antagonist where the Yangtze River hits the East China Sea? Because he's foe Ming at the mouth.

What do antagonist oysters produce? Foe pearls.

I thought he was my friend when he called me "chum" but realized he was an antagonist when he tossed me into the shark-filled waters.

The most contentious person in my family is Aunt Agonist. She's Ann Emma's sis.

RIP My Dear Lord Antagonist. You will be happy to know that the cemetery didn't want you, so you've left behind over 200 bones of contention

[antagonist (=enemy, nemesis)]

There once was a creature quite venomy

Whose poison was stronger than ten o' me

My antagonist

It stung at my wrist

And that's why it's called "See, an enemy!"

[antagonist (=enemy, nemesis)]
Fletcher the Archer was indomitable, so he gave away his gear and retired as Fletcher the Unbowed.[indomitable (=unconquerable)]

Demotic but unfocused: Rabble Without a Cause

I wouldn't touch "demotic" with a 10-foot prole.

RIP My Dear Lord Demotic. You had all dissenters among the peasants killed, but at last you have reached common ground.

Any creation can become demotic after a fashion.

The bride-to-be's family was so demotic that the wedding day included a pre-veiling custom.

While Ma Barker cared about her gangster sons, Ma Brule had widespread, demotic crimes on her mind.

Insurer of demotic goods: Hoipol Lloyds of London.

The restaurant owners claimed they were just being demotic after getting a health-code violation for unwashed masses of lettuce

Demotic Diner non-special: "What Am I, Chopped Liver? --Yes" sandwich on vulgar wheat, bouilla-baseborn, and humble pie

[demotic (=of the common people, common)]

When poets can't think of good figurative language, they can feel like they're at the end of their trope.

"Trash talk" about someone's body is figuratively litter-al and literally figure-ative.

[figurative (=not literal)]
What did Mr and Mrs Coalesce of Australia name their daughter? Amalga, mate.[coalesce (=to fuse)]

When asked why he was always verbally attacking his kitchen staff, Chef Homophone replied, "My style is lamb-based."

Until Cinderella successfully put on the glass slipper, Homophone thought she herself would be a shoe-in.

Mistakenly using a homophone in writing causes a clashing of symbols.

A jockey in the Homophone Derby asked his taupe horse why he quit right out of the gate. The horse answered, "I'm already dun."

[homophone (=word with the same sound but different spelling)]

-Wholly owned subsidiary, Batman; it's Homophone!

-Robin, you mince words and don't make cents.

[homophone (=word with the same sound but different spelling)]

The cowboys at Autoschediasm Ranch were all for the impromptu rodeo, but the horses balked at the spur of the moment.

RIP My Dear Lord Autoschediasm. Like your name, your buried casket will not be re-hearsed.

[autoschediasm (=impromptu)]

When the attorney finally stopped adducing precedents, the judge yelled "Out of cite!"

When asked to adduce evidence in a U.S. Forest Service investigation, Smokey was happy to bear witness, but Woodsy Owl didn't give a hoot.

[adduce (=give evidence for)]

When the bored teen had to deliver an encomium, it was more of a sigh-tation.

Beware the enchantress encomium: that witch praise on the weak of humility

[encomium (=warm praise, a tribute)]

In some rural parts of England, December 30th is still celebrated as New Year's Nigh Eve.

[naive (=innocent, unworldly)]

There once was a fellow named Steve

Who very much liked to deceive

He lost his friend Art

With boat did depart

Now Art-less uncrafty Steve is naive

[naive (=innocent, unworldly)]

The "Beware the Ides of March" warning to Julius Caesar was hedged by "And if that don't perturb you, look out for dis May!"

Weddings perturb some people. Others find it a pique experience.

What do you call it if you perturb with abandon? When Harry Met Sally.

Perturbing nightmares: bed-evil.

Twitter doesn't perturb me now that it's been around a while and lost its fluster.

[perturb (=unsettle)]

When the lounge singer chaffered his way to getting all drinks on the house, it was quite a bar gain.

[chaffer (=to bargain, haggle)]

I can't think of anything for "rubicund." Curse you, red barrenness!

Writing tweets for "rubicund" is too hard! = red whine

[rubicund (=ruddy complexion, red)]

When only the banal get promoted, you have a meh-ritocracy.

Banal? Let's give it the old college trite!

Banal backstabbing: pedestrian crossing.

RIP My Dear Lord Banal. Now, like your utterances, you can lie flat for eternity.

I'm not saying the fashion of America's Founding Fathers was banal, but a tricorne is definitely an old hat.

You can't embark on a life of the banal without traversing every platitude.

Be banal in your own way by marching to the beat of a different humdrummer.

Banal summer cold: jejune bug

Banal Books satisfies all your hackneyeds.

[banal (=overused, trite)]

Humor is subjective. My friend is always subjecting me to his.

Subjective walked into a bar and-- Well, accounts vary.

[subjective (=varying by the individual)]

Superman is very giving; even his costume is known for its large S.

[largesse (=generosity)]

The bar A Sworded Affair has the following Lunge-time A-parry-tifs: Saber the Moment, Épée Attention, and Oneché-Touché Punch

Did saber-toothed tigers get terrible parry-odontal disease?

It turns out the casino that focused on fencing matches, with parry-mutuel betting, was just a tax dodge.

Definitive proof of ESP has been elusive, hence the term "parry-normal."

While most cowboy fencers considered it unmanly, the parry was quite popular in Dodge City.

Because of his name, Parry Levy was often arrested for tax evasion.

Don't worry about being small, Beav. Once a little Parrying Knife grew up to be Ward Cleaver.

Parry Mason was a defencing attorney.

While it might work for self-defense, don't try to foil a robbery with a parrying knife.

Paunchy parry: potbelly stave

[parry (=deflect/evade in fencing)]

on the word of the day

there's much to say

but there's no space to craft

a parry-graph.

[parry (=deflect/evade in fencing)]

The waiter got in trouble for being puerile, as the mother had actually requested a child dish.

Puerile humor kills 99.99% of "ladies and germs."

"You're too old for that puerile tree house!" yelled the father from his man cave.

[puerile (=childish, immature)]

When the girl lost the spelling bee, her mum told her that there's no use crying over misspelt "mulct".

Headline if Bill Cosby ever claimed to be swindled by Martin Mull: Mull Mulct, Bill Bilked?

When the king's navy told the ship's captain to alter his heading, he let out a vulgar "Fie!" and got a mulct--a coarse course fie-in' fine.

With all those final consonants "mulct" is hard for Mandarin speakers to pronounce, but "fine" is fine...and "pronounce" is "fa-yin." (发音)

Mulch mulct: compost impost

[mulct (=a fine)]

The starlet's dress was praised as genteel until a wardrobe malfunction proved it unseamly.

[genteel (=respectable)]

RIP My Dear Lord Sequacious. You followed your heart and then Lady Lemming, and, well, here we are.

Favorite food of the sequacious: Filet Minion

I tried being sequacious toward that alternative comedian, but he prefers non sequiturs.

Favorite author of the sequacious: Mercedes Lackey

[sequacious (=slavishly following)]

That group talks the talk of not being partisan, but they walk the walk in swayed shoes.

[partisan (=biased)]
My doo-wop group has a green porcelain statue of Brando in his "Godfather" role. Can anyone help us sell a celadon don? ♪ ♫[celadon (=pale-green and gray Chinese glaze)]

When babies start to ambulate, it's usually a shambles.

In "The Wizard of Oz" the characters sure did ambulate--how appropriate for an anagram of "Baum tale."

If you ambulate in the wrong part of town, it might be curtains for you. Or is the word "traipse"?

[ambulate (=to walk)]

Ready to have a soiree: prêt-à-partay

When a Québécois changed "soiree" to "soirée," the party had to be canceled due to ague.

[soiree (=an evening party)]

RIP, My Dear Lord Vertiginous. You'll be light-headed no more. Except for the decapitation.

A vertiginous increase in the number of horses is also known as "giddy up."

[vertiginous (causing dizziness / giddiness]
Children at Christmas time are held in the thrall of unopened presents--also known as "gift rapt."[thrall (=enslavement)]

A sobriquet might stick, but a cognomen has more teeth.

A sobriquet that causes the blues is a harmoniker.

[sobriquet (=nickname)]

Bigfoots are sesquihoral, with days of sixteen ninety-minute "hours," and their special timepieces gave them the name Sasqwatch.

Sesquihoral convenience stores are open 36/10.5

[sesquihoral (=related to an hour and a half)]

A New York student named Norm

Applied for City U dorms

Was teased by friend Lloyd

For writing sphenoid

When asked for his "CUNY form"

[sphenoid (=wedge-shaped)]
[Cuneiform literally means "wedge-shaped."]
My topography professor doesn't mind if we sleep in class as long as we use a contour sheet.[topography (=description of a place's physical features, as with relief maps for elevation)]

-A: What's our geography exam on?

-B: Topography.

-A: Oh, that's a relief.

[topography (=description of a place's physical features, as with relief maps for elevation)]